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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.